Consider carefully your ways

70 years ago, the family dynamic was so much simpler than it is now. To quote Stella in the movie Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly, meeting your future mate was as simple as “when a man and a woman see each other, like each other, they get together like two taxis hitting each other on Broadway.”  They get married, have some kids, and live happily ever after.  I know that’s the Disney version but people back then had traditional views about their roles in marriage which served them well. Today Statistics Canada tells us that 285,486 people got divorces between 2016 and 2020, and that’s what brings me to today’s blog. My prayer is to hopefully save a marriage or at least get people to think.

Please note that I’m not here to lay blame on anyone whose gone through a divorce; there are valid reasons to be sure and I’m not going there. However, after living for more than a few decades and having people close to me get divorced, I have deduced more than just a few things. I’ve seen the collateral damage it does and to me, some of these divorces could have been avoided and this is why I’m writing this. Satan has targeted marriages making divorce look like the only option, but it isn’t.
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For the sake of argument, I’m addressing people who haven’t lived together before getting married, but the concept is the same. When a man or woman gets married they have expectations from their mate along with their version of what constitutes a happy marriage. But what if your mate’s expectations and version of what constitutes a happy marriage differs vastly from yours? What becomes pretty obvious pretty quickly: Friction. Disagreement. Argument. Fighting. Dysfunction. Pain. Throw a couple of kids in the mix and the tension level rises exponentially.

​If these issues be they yours or your mate’s aren’t addressed they will cause a marriage to begin to weaken. You owe it to yourself to find out if the problem is you and take responsibility for it. Your mate owes it to her/himself to find out if the problem is theirs, and take responsibility for it. Acknowledge the difference between “can’t” and “won’t:” “I can’t stay with this person any longer.” I don’t know who it was, but I once said I couldn’t do something and the other person said to me: “Tell me, if your life depended on it, could you do it?” Of course I had to agree, well, if my life depended on it, then yes, I could do it. They responded with, “Then what you’re really saying is, you won’t do it; not that you can’t do it.” “I just can’t” puts the onus of responsibility on someone else; I’m off the hook. “I just won’t” puts the onus of responsibility back on me. This is what two people who once cherished each other, need to do. They both need to take responsibility for their own actions or lack thereof.

How do we do begin? Absolutely first: Go to God who created marriage in the first place and ask for His help. Ask Him to reveal to you those things that are your hidden faults, even to you yourself. Psalm 19 vs 12,13 say David acknowledged this: “Who could possibly know all that he (himself) has done wrong? Forgive my hidden and unknown faults. As I am Your servant, protect me from my bent toward pride, and keep sin from ruling my life.” That’s pretty plain. Blindness, pride and sin was ruling his life. I wonder how many marriages could be saved if we’d simply acknowledge these 3 things in our own lives. Pride is an absolute relationship killer. It is so important for us to humble ourselves and do an honest evaluation of ourselves. If you’re still not persuaded the fault is yours despite opposing opinions, go to people who truly love you and want what’s best for you and ask them what they think. If that’s not doable, go to a solid godly leader or counsellor; a respected family member known to have some wisdom. Ask them what they think. These people don’t want to hurt you, they want to help you. Good Christian Counselling is also a great way to go. If two people who consistently want a relationship to work, and will do whatever it takes, surrender their self-will, I believe that marriage will not only survive but thrive.

But what if they will not humble themselves? The person who resolutely refuses to budge on the issues killing the marriage. Someone who has a distorted view of their role in the marriage and despite repeated efforts and attempts, including counselling, simply won’t make changes. They believe that their behaviour is correct and that it’s the only way a marriage should be structured. People around them, family members, the wife/husband who is continually in the line of fire of their issues all have tried to help them see, to no avail. There will be a new reality for them to contend with. They will need to carefully consider picking their pain because pain will be involved regardless: Getting divorced is painful; it’s the rending apart of two tender hearts that used to be one; it’s that process that started with promises to love one another ending up with two hard hearts. For the primary breadwinner, splitting everything up, providing alimony and child support will be painful and for a long, long time, or until the youngest child is 18; and, if that child desires to go to post secondary education, they will be paying for that also. On the other side the care-giver has to now manage the job of two people raising children, but as one. Yes, there can be joint custody, but not two parents living together.  Anyone who has had kids knows how hard this is with two parents, let alone one. Last but certainly not least:  The pain of owning up to the potential new reality of the former two and repairing the marriage, is still the best bet.  Do we really fully know what’s about to happen, and if we did, would it not be better to change our perception of what our marriage currently looks like? 

 It is then that the other mate has to do a lot of praying and weighing. They have to decide to either continue living in these conditions and the damage it may be doing to themselves or their children and decide if God has directed her/him to hang in there, or if God is releasing her/him from a hostile environment.

Even then God will be reaching out to both parties. His love is unconditional and I’m sure it pains Him to see this happen, (God hates divorce – Mal 2:16) but our wrong choices and actions will cause consequences. The husband or wife who will not budge will one day come to their senses, because we take ourselves with us into the next relationship. What was wrong before will continue to be wrong later. Satan will keep you blind to your own faults until you’re past the point of no return and then let you see. His job description after all is to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10.) Don’t let this be you: “If only I’d listened to the Holy Spirit; to people who love and loved me back then. I could have changed, but for my stubborn pride. This, what I have now, is far more difficult.”  But thankfully John 10:10 doesn’t end there. The latter part of the verse says Jesus came that we might enjoy our life and have it more abundantly.

 Please, husband, love your wife as Christ loved the church and died for Her.  Please, wife, submit to your husband and love him; help him become the very best version of himself as he loves you. God himself will equip you both. Choose today whom you and your family will serve: Jesus, not you, and the rest will fall into place. It is never too late to begin to do things God’s way. He’s specialized in restoration since the Garden of Eden…

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